A day that changed our lives, in so many ways
My son Tanner was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL) in August, 2000, at just over 5 years old. He had been sick most of that summer with strange symptoms that would come and go (joint pain, heart palpitations, stomach aches were the most persistent). We had his bloodwork done repeatedly, various tests from fairly benign to pretty complex, all with no conclusive diagnosis. At the time, I had prepared myself for something pretty terrible, like a really bad case of Lyme Disease or a rare parasite. I never allowed myself to think about the possibility of cancer, mostly as a coping mechanism.
It was August 15th, a Tuesday evening, when he began having extreme abdominal pain. At about 5am the next morning, Tanner rushed to the hospital Emergency Department with his father and I stayed home to get our daughters off to school. That was when they made the diagnosis of cancer. They were able to finally make the diagnosis because that was the first time that they were able to see the cells in his blood samples. All those previous tests were to no avail because it was just too early in the life cycle of the disease. Later that day, we learned that it was leukemia, a treatable form (thankfully), and just what our life might very well be like with treatment schedules mapped out over the next two and a half years.
I remember going into the room he was in, seeing him laying there sedated with morphine, the room seemed dark and his father just held his head in his hands. He was in a state of shock, we both were and not sure how the long day ahead of us would proceed. We seemed to stay in that room for a very long time.
At some point, one of the nurses who kept coming in and out to check on Tanner stopped to talk to us. He said, ” you know, whenever I see a family in this situation, I envy them. It doesn’t seem possible that I could say that, I know. What you can’t know right now is just how close you will become over time with this disease. It may not be the kind of close you are thinking of, but I’ve seen so many families who get to know each other so well. I can just see it in them, in the way they are with each other. When you go through this kind of disease, no matter what the outcome, you will be closer than probably anyone you know. I really do envy that you will become that close. You are so lucky, even if you don’t feel i t now.” Maybe I should have been angry, but those words reassured me and rang true for me, because most often it is in the most difficult times of life that we grow and learn the most about who we really are. It has been true, for better and for worse, the kids and their dad and I really have learned so much about each other and about ourselves. We feel things more intensely, both joy and anger, but at the end of the day are stronger and closer for going through this illness together.
Time and again, especially during the almost three years of treatment I have said to our children, ‘I would never wish this on anyone, but we’ve been blessed in so many ways because Tanner got cancer’. Ways that I could have never foreseen: the kind and thoughtful gestures of people I had no idea cared so much for us; the prayers from people who brought us strength and hope; the love that people shared with us and especially with Tanner when times were tough; the generosity of people from Make-A-Wish and Give Kids the World, as well as people we knew and people who were strangers from our community; the remarkable dedication and bottomless hope that the Oncology team provided. Repeatedly we celebrated the successes and weathered the traumas because so many people kept shoring up our strength.
Tanner has become a sensitive and wise person I think in no small measure because of the illness. My daughters, both of whom experienced collateral difficulties with Tanner’s illness, are strong, thoughtful and supportive people, particularly when others are suffering. I wouldn’t wish the experience on anyone, and it could have turned out so differently, but I am thankful for it all.